Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

 It's Mother's Day...a day to celebrate! Why, then, do I feel so melancholic? Maybe because motherhood seems to have so much more pressure than it used to. How I long for the days when my troubles consisted of dirty diapers at inconvenient times, lugging around extra clothes/diapers/bottles/burp rags/snacks/and everything else you could possibly imagine in that huge diaper bag, children who would only go to sleep when rocked, a child that said something embarrassing, crying in a restaurant and everything else that made those early years "stressful". At this point, I think I could handle all of that with an infinite amount of grace and patience. Although, I know its easier said than done...especially when you're not currently in the midst of it.

These days it seems that I'm starting to see the results of my labor, good and bad. Not only am I seeing good  behaviors the girls have been taught from the beginning, but I'm also realizing things that I haven't addressed from the beginning that I should have. And to top that off, throw Diabetes in the midst, and now Celiac. Now, I not only subjectively judge my parenting by the behaviors/attitudes of my children, but my parenting is judged almost hourly by the objective numbers that consume so much of our life. And soon, my parenting skills will be judged by the reduction of the Celiac Sisters' TTG Iga blood tests. I guess right now I feel like I'm breaking under the pressure. Don't get me wrong, I have some pretty sweet children. But they're not perfect. I don't expect them to be perfect, but I somehow expect that from myself. It's funny that I didn't really realize this until I just wrote it. I guess I feel like I should have everything put together just perfectly for my family...and I feel guilty when I don't.

JM's A1C came back Friday at 7.9. Is this bad? No. And honestly, I was pretty happy because we'd had about a month of high BGs that I just couldn't seem to tackle well enough. Do I feel like I'm a good Mom because of this A1C? Not particularly. In fact, I feel like I should have done a better job as a pancreas for my child. I know with my head that I shouldn't judge myself this way, but my feelings don't always follow my head.

I so desperately want to set JM up for a long and healthy life, but I'm thinking right now that I may be judging myself a bit too harshly.  Besides, I'm not the one who holds her future. I need to remember that I'm not a finished work either. The Lord has been pruning me in so many ways this last year, and hey, that means I'm ready to grow.  I know that I will grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control if I seek to abide in Him.

John 15:1-4
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

Why do I so often seek to find perfection in my own strength? I think writing is cathartic for me, because I already feel much better. Maybe I should have done this at the beginning of my Mother's Day instead of at the end? 

Thank you Lord, for the image of the vine, even as I was writing this out. I am encouraged to know that as you prune, I will bear fruit as long as I remain in you. Help me to always abide in Christ. I know that you will be faithful to complete the good work you have begun in me!

1 comment:

  1. Wow, what an honest, vulnerale and inspiring blog! Sending you lots of love.